HUCK'S RANT: Lip service
Imagine if waitstaff didn’t have a filter, Anthony Huckstep has, and here he conjures a world where front of house tell it like it is.
Serving rude guests can be tougher than a $2 steak, but waitstaff have an astounding ability to bite their tongue, but what if they didn’t?
After perusing the menu, some guests will ask waiterstaff What they would order.
What waitstaff say: “The chicken is ‘popular’.”
What they think: “From here? Nothing, the chef can’t cook. I’d rather eat an armpit.”
“Is the special of the day nice?”
What waitstaff say: “Well, we only have a few serves left.”
What they think: “The chef should have binned it yesterday, but his food costs are higher than a hippy.”
When people who turn up before opening time, knock on the door and ask to come in.
What waitstaff say: “Sure, the restaurant is not quite set up but take a seat in our bar area.”
What they think: “Do you put your clothes on before getting into the shower too?”
Guests that don’t know what name they’re booked under.
What waitstaff say: “No problem, let’s take a look.”
What they think: “You don’t know the name of the reservation? Oh, here it is, it’s booked under Plonker!”
When guests click their fingers to be served.
What waitstaff say: “Yes sir, is there a problem?”
What they think: “Sorry sir, but it takes more than two fingers to make me come.”
When guests ask if there are any gluten-free dishes and then order bread.
What waitstaff say: “It’s great bread isn’t it?”
What they think: “You just ordered bread like a dickhead!”
When guests use the word ‘allergy’ when it’s actually a dislike.
What waitstaff say: “Sure, we can arrange that for you.”
What they think: “Oh so you’re allergic to egg, but you love ice cream, you gallah.”
When guests genuinely ask to keep a glass, cutlery or a plate (yes it happens).
What waitstaff say: “I can write down the brand and supplier to help you locate it.”
What they think: “Get the f$#@ outta here, you muppet.”
When guests ask, “Do you have a toilet?”
What waitstaff say: “Yes, the bathroom is just this way.”
What they think: “Oh no! We just use the loo in the service station on the corner.”
When a man says my wife needs to go to the toilet.
What waitstaff say: “Yes, let me show your wife to the bathroom.”
What they think: “Can your wife not speak, do you eat for her as well?”
When people ask about the exact thing you’ve just told them about.
What waitstaff say: "We repeat ourselves (again and again and again)."
What they think: "No, just jokes we actually sell shoes."
When guests let their children run amok through the restaurant.
What waitstaff say: “Excuse me, but we’d be grateful if your children could be seated.”
What they think: “Your child is the antichrist, may you and your family burn in hell.”